Tough Life
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is, in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, a "Hey mana I've been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm. Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What's your deal?"
The guy with No arms says, "Arrrrr - dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!"
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
The bum on a street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Saving All The Seats
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music!
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay!
What's the best way of seeing a witch?
On the television!
วันเสาร์ที่ 30 มิถุนายน พ.ศ. 2550
JOKE 5
Printing Yellow
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
Shingles
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
Esther Bunny
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther Bunny.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna nother Esther bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella nother Esther bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad there are no more esther bunnies?
For The Kids...
Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary?
He boiled him and he was a friar!
Did you hear about the two peanuts that went walking around the Bronx in the middle of the night?
One of them was assaulted.
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
Shingles
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
Esther Bunny
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther Bunny.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna nother Esther bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella nother Esther bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad there are no more esther bunnies?
For The Kids...
Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary?
He boiled him and he was a friar!
Did you hear about the two peanuts that went walking around the Bronx in the middle of the night?
One of them was assaulted.
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
JOKE 4
Organized Crime
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call.
"Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.
A Lawyer and an IRS Agent
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
Philosophy & Mathematics
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives
For The Kids...
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!
Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call.
"Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.
A Lawyer and an IRS Agent
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
Philosophy & Mathematics
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives
For The Kids...
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!
Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
JOKE 3
Separation
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."
Chicago Cab Driver
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.
My husband obligingly hailed a cab.
"The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.
"And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"
A guy walks into a post office ...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
But why? asks the man.
I'm a divorce lawyer, the man replies.
For The Kids...
What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!
What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!
Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."
Chicago Cab Driver
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.
My husband obligingly hailed a cab.
"The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.
"And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"
A guy walks into a post office ...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
But why? asks the man.
I'm a divorce lawyer, the man replies.
For The Kids...
What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!
What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!
Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!
JOKE 2
Vacuum Salesman
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."
The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"
Medical Student : "I memorized it
For The Kids...
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
What did Noah do for a job?
He was an arkitecht!
What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."
The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"
Medical Student : "I memorized it
For The Kids...
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
What did Noah do for a job?
He was an arkitecht!
What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!
JOKE 1
Mrs. O'Connor Wants a Divorce
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Only a Southerner
- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
- Only a Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!
- Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Momentous Question
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
For The Kids...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Meredith!
Meredith who?
Meredith kind of Knock Knock jokes and I'm leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mickey!
Mickey who?
Mickey is lost so that's why I'm knocking!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Midas!
Midas who?
Midas well open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey won't fit in this lock!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minerva!
Minerva who?
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Only a Southerner
- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
- Only a Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!
- Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Momentous Question
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
For The Kids...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Meredith!
Meredith who?
Meredith kind of Knock Knock jokes and I'm leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mickey!
Mickey who?
Mickey is lost so that's why I'm knocking!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Midas!
Midas who?
Midas well open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey won't fit in this lock!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minerva!
Minerva who?
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!
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