Scratching makes an itch worse? Scratching releases histamine from mast cells, which stimulates the itch. Apply and ice pack, a cold water compress or an antihistamine.
Mary Ellen Brademas, MD assistant clinical professor of dermatology, New York University Medical Center, New York
E.coli strikes vegetarians too? Vegetables grown in soil fertilized with only partially composted animal manure ca be contaminated with the potentially deadly E.coli bacteria, which is most often found in meat. Before eating, thoroughly wash all fruits and vegetables.
Dean O. Cliver, PhD, professor of food microbiology, University of California
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
Bubble gum contains rubber
from http://www.thefunplace.com/
วันพุธที่ 25 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2550
วันเสาร์ที่ 14 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2550
JOKE 19
Double Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
New Dad
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."
The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
Loan Arithmitic
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'
'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.
'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'
'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
Lacking Intelligence?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
New Dad
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."
The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
Loan Arithmitic
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'
'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.
'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'
'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
Lacking Intelligence?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
วันศุกร์ที่ 13 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2550
JOKE 18
Thoughts On Aging
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
Flower Switch
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card, which said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
For The Kids...
What do you call a witch who drives really badly?
A road hag!
What kind of jewellry do warty witches wear on their wrists?
Charm bracelets!
When should you feed witches milk to a baby?
When it's a baby witch!
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
Flower Switch
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card, which said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
For The Kids...
What do you call a witch who drives really badly?
A road hag!
What kind of jewellry do warty witches wear on their wrists?
Charm bracelets!
When should you feed witches milk to a baby?
When it's a baby witch!
JOKE 17
Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
Cats Playing Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.
He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
For The Kids...
Who's the fastest witch?
The ones that ride on a vroom stick!
How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?
She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas!
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service!
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
Cats Playing Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.
He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
For The Kids...
Who's the fastest witch?
The ones that ride on a vroom stick!
How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?
She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas!
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service!
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
วันศุกร์ที่ 6 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2550
JOKE 16
A Tried and Trusted Employee
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
Thirsty Cat
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
Thirsty Cat
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!
JOKE 15
Two-by-fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."
Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the way -- you're in my light!
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."
Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the way -- you're in my light!
JOKE 14
Couldn't Spell
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
For The Kids...
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining?
A: 'Too wet to woo'!
Q: What do baby swans dance to?
A: Cygnet-ure-tunes!
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey!
Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
A: Tweetie Pie!
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
For The Kids...
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining?
A: 'Too wet to woo'!
Q: What do baby swans dance to?
A: Cygnet-ure-tunes!
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey!
Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
A: Tweetie Pie!
วันอังคารที่ 3 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2550
JOKE 13
Finding perfect men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
She's new to football
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Math is turning bad
"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.
"What are you selling?" I asked.
"Geometrical algebra drugs."
"Huh!?"
"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."
"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."
"Go on..."
"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.
"What are those, then?" I asked.
"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed."
"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?"
"There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity."
For The Kids...
What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
She's new to football
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Math is turning bad
"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.
"What are you selling?" I asked.
"Geometrical algebra drugs."
"Huh!?"
"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."
"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."
"Go on..."
"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.
"What are those, then?" I asked.
"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed."
"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?"
"There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity."
For The Kids...
What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!
JOKE 12
Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
Did you see that?
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
For The Kids...
What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!
Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
Did you see that?
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
For The Kids...
What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!
Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!
JOKE 11
College Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man.
"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"
Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
For The Kids...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juicy!
Juicy who!
Juicy what I just saw!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want to come in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want some milk and cookies!
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man.
"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"
Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
For The Kids...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juicy!
Juicy who!
Juicy what I just saw!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want to come in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want some milk and cookies!
วันจันทร์ที่ 2 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2550
JOKE 10
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno
"They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart
"CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart
"He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him
"Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien
Expensive Doctors
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Three Little Pigs
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
A. They thought their father was an awful boar.
For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno
"They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart
"CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart
"He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him
"Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien
Expensive Doctors
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Three Little Pigs
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
A. They thought their father was an awful boar.
For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow
JOKE 9
How To Please Your I.T. Department
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions.
The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false.
The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.
Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.
The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
For The Kids...
What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children?
"I can't control my pupils."
Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet?
Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..."
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a light bulb?
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions.
The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false.
The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.
Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.
The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
For The Kids...
What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children?
"I can't control my pupils."
Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet?
Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..."
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a light bulb?
วันอาทิตย์ที่ 1 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2550
JOKE 8
Ten Dollar Gift
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.
"I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
A pair of chickens go to the library
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher, "But you only have two ears."
"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."
For The Kids...
I'm not going back to school ever again
Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!
Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"
What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.
"I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
A pair of chickens go to the library
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher, "But you only have two ears."
"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."
For The Kids...
I'm not going back to school ever again
Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!
Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"
What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!
JOKE 7
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno
"This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien
"All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno
"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman
"The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno
Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"
The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!"
The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"
Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"
Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where ita (tm)s coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, a oeLudwig van Beethoven.a
Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.
By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
For The Kids...
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.
Did you hear about the man who bought had a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.
What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender? Make me One with everything.
"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno
"This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien
"All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno
"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman
"The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno
Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"
The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!"
The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"
Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"
Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where ita (tm)s coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, a oeLudwig van Beethoven.a
Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.
By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
For The Kids...
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.
Did you hear about the man who bought had a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.
What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender? Make me One with everything.
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